It's taken me years to fully appreciate something a camp counselor
once told us 6th-graders, as we were sitting dockside, swatting
mosquitoes and avoiding canoeing: "Bikinis just put it all out there at once
while one-piece swimsuits leave something to the imagination. That's
what you want to do--you always want to leave them wanting more."
(I'm fairly certain she was hoping to
get a different kind of
you-should-hold-hands-until-you're-in-high-school message across with
her sartorial analogy, but I focused in on the clothes.)
Now that I'm on the anti-bikini bandwagon, I've have spent more time
than I'd like to admit scouring the interwebs to find my version of the
swimsuit Holy Grail: a coquettish one-piece swimsuit.*
Turns out, they're about as rare as a pair of comfy stilettos.
Sure, there are plenty of scandalous options out there--and tons o'
suits that would fit in perfectly at the senior swim hour at my local
YMCA--but it's been hard to track down a one-piece that hits that sweet
spot of sexy yet sophisticated, fitted yet flattering.
I logged some serious time this season, doing some online sleuthing
for the best one-piece swimsuit, and I've come to the decision that a
bathing suit from one of these five categories is a pretty safe
(emphasis on pretty) bet:
Retro floral one-piece swimsuits
Thank you, Mad Men et al, for making vintage shapes (including
hourglass) more than a passing trend. I love the flirty, covered-up
look--and if you doubt the sex appeal of these boyshort suits, just
Netflix Gidget and just try to keep yourself from dyeing your hair blonde, driving out into the California sunset and shacking up with a surfer.
(Vaguely) retro (vaguely) nautical one-piece swimsuits
More '50s-inspired gems for all you Sandra Dee lovers out there, this
time served up with some nautical pizazz. Stripes! Polka dots!
Opportunity to use sayings like "Ahoy, mate!" while wearing! What's not
to love?!
Plunging neckline one-piece swimsuits
This one's a dark horse in that it's deceptively flattering: While it
may seem wild and crazy, the extra-long halter straps elongate your bod
while the flash of, ahem, decolletage makes for a nice contrast
to high-cut backs and conservative "there's nothing to see here, move
along, move along" rears. Probably best for flat-chesters like myself,
or else it can veer into scandalous territory.
This kind of style always remind me of '90s Baywatch, which is
inherently sexy, in that sporty, sun-drenched way. Plus, the "blocking"
in these color-blocked suits are often strategically placed, and so
streamline the bod here, add some curves there. You know. They help a
girl out. And of course, it just looks cool.
Scarf-print one-piece swimsuits
Some patterns are more helpful at hiding pooches, rolls and bumps than
others. (Some polka-dots, for instance, are actually little devils: I
tried a polka-dot suit on yesterday, and when I exhaled, the wee little
dots expanded into big balloon-shaped dots. Not really a cute look.)
Scarf prints, on the other hand, tend to hide things well. Plus, they're
all boho and exotic, so even if you find yourself in an unsexy spot
(like sitting in your backyard or on your roof, cooling off with your
feet in a kiddie pool) you can imagine you're somewhere fantastic, like
Capri or Ibiza or something.
These five styles get my vote for cute 'n' flattering
one-piece swimsuits. How 'bout you? Do any of them catch your eye? Are
there any other one-piece lovers in our midst? Did you score a cute suit
already this season? Don't you think they're more suited to some pretty
young thing like yourself (as opposed to a shuffle-boarding
septuagenarian)?
* Listen, don't even get me started about the price of swimsuits. By
definition, they are incredibly expensive, all of them out there, in
the world. It's one of life's greatest, most perplexing mysteries.
Second only to the fact that they only made one season (?!?!) of My
So-Called Life.
